Just Once
by S J Smith-Evil Little Dog
Summary: Edward regrets a lot of things.  Almost all of those regrets revolve around Winry.


**Title:** Just Once

**Author:** S J Smith

**Rating:** Gen

**Disclaimer:** Bones did That Movie, Arakawa's story had a happier ending for Winry. :D Me, I write fanfic that may or may not fix it?

**Summary: ** Edward regrets a lot of things. Almost all of those regrets revolve around Winry.

**Notes:** Post CoS. Second person POV.

X X X

Once in your life, you'd like to have done something that didn't hurt her.

It seems like you've been caught in this cycle forever. You do something you think is going to help someone, and it winds up hurting her. And you realize it, far too late to do anything about it, because the dice have already been thrown and maybe you've been hurt, too, or Al has, or some entire city's population. By the time you've realized you've hurt her, there's nothing to be done for it. Apologizing won't change anything, not really, it sure as hell won't stop her pain, just give her an acknowledgment you're an idiot, and at least you've realized it. But if you've realized it, that's got to hurt, too, right? Because if you catch it in hindsight, if you were really thinking, maybe you wouldn't have gone through with it and wound up hurting her in the first place.

You weren't able to comfort her after her mom and dad were killed. You shut her out after your mom died. You left her to study alchemy, only returning to destroy what remained of your childhoods by trying to bring your mom back from the dead. You joined the military, and when she came to congratulate you, you nearly lost her. Don't forget you didn't offer her any comfort afterward, instead, you're the one comforted, and she was left to cry alone with a bunch of strangers. You send her home, with a promise to visit, only returning years later because you're too broken for anyone but her to fix. Your thanks weren't enough, you should've figured it out, but you had other things on your mind.

She came to you when you and Al were so badly damaged you couldn't go to her, and you let her travel with you for a while. It wasn't your idea. You'd have rather her go back to her grandmother. She reminded you of things you didn't want to think about, like a family, and not wandering for a while. You left her with strangers again, could've gotten her killed once more. You didn't tell her the person who killed her parents was someone you can't – won't – take vengeance on, not even for her.

You didn't want her there when you make mistakes, but she was always the one who was. You resented her for it, wished she'd just go home and leave you to your quest. But when she did leave, you were surprised, and felt hurt she didn't want to stay with you, even though you told yourself what you're doing is dangerous and it's for the best she goes. Maybe, for a second, you thought she might have another reason for leaving, but she's Winry, and why else would she leave but because of boredom?

And then you were on the run, looking for a safe place to hide, and you headed back to your hometown. She tried to meet you, to warn you, to fucking _protect_ you. And she wasn't able to, and instead, she was taken hostage to keep you in line until you agreed to work with the bastard colonel. And even after that, she took you in again, even though she had no reason to. She'd been a hostage to the man who killed her parents, and somehow, she forgave him. She tried to talk to you about your bastard of a father, and about the man you wished had been your dad. You hurt her again, shoved her aside like she was nothing. And she forgave you.

All she asked for were simple things: a chance to braid your hair, to say goodbye at the train station. You were selfish; you didn't want to give them to her. There were people who'd say you were trying to protect her. You know better.

You were hurt by a homunculus wearing her face, spewing lies in her voice, and you believed, damn it, you believed for a second, long enough to let down your guard. There was a part of you that blamed her for it, even though she wasn't at fault. There was a part of you that hated her, for the homunculus knowing just what it would take to knock you off balance. But there were other things to worry about, and think about, and fight about, and you put her out of your mind.

Like always.

Until you needed her, needed her skills, and her ability to fix everything you'd ever broken. By then, it was too late. You were literally a world away, and she was like a dream.

But you had a chance – a chance to go home, and you did – crashing to the ground almost at her feet, like a fucking romantic story. It's almost as if she'd expected you – she had an arm and a leg she'd made just for you, and installed them on the spot. And you barely told her thanks before you had to run away, after your little brother, and try to save this world by going back to the other one.

It was the last time you'd leave her.

You realized, like always, far too late, you'd hurt her again.

You can't change the way you are. You've tried, or like to tell yourself you have, at least, but when it comes to her, you've never changed. You've always done things that hurt her, most often without realizing it until there was no way to change the outcome. You rarely apologized; she said she was sorry more often than you, even when it wasn't her fault. You kept your secrets from her, even when they impacted her life. You left her, over and over again, and she still welcomed you home with a smile, and her love.

You weren't trying to protect her. You know better than that. You were selfish, and sometimes cruel, and there was no reason for it except you were an idiot.

The worst thing was, you know her, even though you never gave her a real chance to know you. Despite everything you've done, you know she's forgiven you. And she'll blink a light out the window, waiting for you to come home, with a smile and her love.

Just once, you wish you could do something that wouldn't hurt her, but the chance passed you up too long ago.

X X X


End file.
